KEEP人生 KEEP, Live – “再坚持5秒！Hold On For 5 More Seconds!”

在一段不明确的时间里，我觉得自己抽象地领悟了这个世界。——博尔赫斯 下一个动作：简易死虫式

I felt myself to be, for an unknown period of time, an abstract perceiver of the world.. — Jorge Luis Borges Next exercise: Dead Bug

                                                                 

疫情开始后哪儿也去不了的我开始了宅在日本男友家的日子。在电脑横屏、手机竖屏的重重包围下，每隔一小时我就要吃掉100克冰淇淋，不是冰淇淋就是巧克力，不是巧克力就是巧克力饼干，有一次她甚至吃掉了一整包冰糖，当然不是一下子吃掉的，但也可以说就是一下子吃掉的。因此也就不奇怪你会选在“冰淇淋日”登记结婚，至少以后每年的这一天你都可以毫无负罪感地吃上冰淇淋。于是毫无疑问地，她很快就长胖了20斤。实际上比起甜食，更让她成瘾的是一动不动地宅家和没日没夜地看Youtube。间或我也会重看（偶尔是新看）一个“好电影”，以提醒自己曾经对于“看”的标准是什么。但大势已去，这一年来我更多地看（消费）了各种短视频，1.75倍速的视听习惯，对进度条的心理依赖，对不断跳出的广告的超强忍耐——即使是看赫尔佐格的“好电影”，屏幕各个角落都会冷不丁滚动出一条又一条色情广告。每天每夜我都在发誓要减肥要健康要上进，每天每夜你都依然堕落在垃圾视频和垃圾食品的抚慰中。它们其实并不能真正地抚慰你，所以你总是需要消费更多更多更多，来帮你逃离情绪、湿疹，逃离接二连三的水土不服——来自瘟疫、分裂、隔离而造成的异国滞留（以及滞留着滞留着变成了可疑的“新移民”）。

在她成为一名胖子快一年的时候，有一天，她下载了一个叫KEEP的中文运动软件。点击灰色图标，跳出一行巨大的“自律给我自由” ——在理解它之前它已经消失了，被下一秒的广告所替换（广告也“5-4-3-2-1”地很快消失了、被下一个广告替换）。为了督促自己，她购买了KEEP的会员。一边反对着消费主义，一边，不断地消费着（啊真是对不起，啪啪打脸）。就这样KEEP出现在了我们的生活中。渐渐地我已经离不开它。甚至和小伙伴们开会的同时，你也在悄悄做着KEEP —— 这不是一个以多任务和多身份为时髦的时代吗？KEEP推送给我据称是“为我”订制的一套方案“28天疯狂甩肉计划”，除了跟着它运动，我还需要每天向它汇报吃了些什么，它会反馈：“香蕉富含身体必需的维生素和膳食纤维，你的选择很棒！”或是：“冰淇淋含糖量很高，容易让你长胖！”好吧好吧，让我们把害人的冰淇淋赶紧换掉！就这样你把冰淇淋瘾换成了KEEP瘾，就好像以前你戒烟的时候，把烟瘾换成了冰淇淋瘾一样。当代生活就是需要不断成瘾的依赖吧，它可以是任何东西 （只要是复数）——香烟、大麻、酒精、宗教、爱情、性、色情网站、短视频、朋友圈、艺术、淘宝、炸鸡、冰淇淋……当然也可以是跑步、运动、“马甲线养成”，或是（也许你从没听说过的）“蜜桃臀”、“天鹅颈”、“一字肩”、“少女背”、 “石原里美下颌线”。后面这些看起来积极向上、健康且美的“自律”爱好，也许是比前面那些古老的已知的瘾更为可怕的瘾哦。

“2015年上线，目前已具有3亿用户规模，每天有超过600万人在KEEP上挥洒汗水，它已成为涵盖健身、跑步、骑行、交友及饮食指导、装备购买、运动直播等功能在内的中国最大运动社交平台。”通常，我戴着AirPods无线耳机在客厅做KEEP，这样燃脂的劲爆音乐和指令就不会吵到我的日本老公。而他也带着同款AirPods，就坐在我对面、有时是身旁，沉浸在他的版本的YouTube世界中。他似乎在对我神秘的微笑，很快我就知道那不是对我。“2020年初的疫情导致居家隔离，运动社交类App用户活跃度暴增，帮助KEEP实现了新一轮数据增长。据称KEEP计划于今年在美国上市，估值将会超过F轮融资的20亿美元。 ”“它的创始人兼CEO是一名90后。”她意识到，不管她愿不愿意，她已经来到了大妈的年纪，而此刻她也正在加入一种大妈的活动——饭后广场舞 —— 只不过换成了线上，几千万人平行宇宙的超大型广场舞。那么现在，就让我们跟随指令，来感受一下“蜜桃臀养成”这一人气产品。“准好了吗？我们开始吧！”“第一个动作：仰卧卷腹。一组12次，3-2-1、GO！”教练马尾D杯女孩在一张被抠去背景的瑜伽垫上，纯白无暇的空间，既像当代艺术展览的白盒子，也像……“集中注意力！3-4……” 一套全程13分钟的练习被拆解成每次少于30秒的17个动作，动作其实有大量重复，只是被打散和重组了，屏幕上方已完成的动作显示为绿色、待完成的动作显示为灰色；每个动作又被切割成更小的动作、反应到更为可视化的进度条。多么贴心的产品！它非常了解人意志力的薄弱。“……5-6，用力时呼气，还原时吸气，8-9-10，感受腹部发力，11-12。”“下一个动作：简易死虫式，一组15次。3-2-1、GO！”当指令说“休息一下吧！”我们就会得到10秒或20秒倒计时的休息时间，这时屏幕上适时跳出一条“永远年轻，永远热泪盈眶。——杰克·凯鲁亚克”。不同的运动项目和训练时间会跳出不同的名人名言，以提供正在奋力燃脂的我们及时的自我感动。除了世界各地的文艺明星与我们同在，世界各地的（华人）练习者也与我们同在。右下角的提示框闪烁着此时也在练习这个动作的头像和头像所代表的一个个正挥汗如雨想要速成蜜桃臀的人们。她看了一眼，和她一起练习这个动作的现在有420人。啊，茫茫KEEP海，瞬间你就找到了认同，找到了社群。你，不再孤单！“下一个动作，西西里卷腹，一组15次。3-2-1、GO！”“1-2，保持腰部全程贴地，3-4-5-6，腹部发力卷动身体，8-9，手臂向上举！10-11-12，很棒！就是这样，保持住！14-15”。请自行想象伴随这些指令的健身音乐，不要小看它对力比多的煽动及对重复枯燥的润滑。“下一个动作……”“最后一个动作，坚持就是胜利！……”“腰部贴地！”“保持均匀呼吸！”“身体从头到脚成一条直线!”“腹部要像钢铁一样坚硬！”“绷紧臀部！”“保持深呼吸!”“保持挺胸!”“感受腹部的拉伸!”“非常棒！”“再坚持5秒!5-4-3-2-1！”“…….恭喜你！完成本次训练！别忘了打卡到KEEP动态获得点赞！” 一开始，她对这些跳出的头像和半裸的身体感到眼花缭乱，感到慌张和害羞，就像跳出的来自KEEP自营商城的各种健身商品，她厌烦地将窗口立刻关闭。但一天天过去不知不觉中她也会被“一个月瘦20斤”（或“半价限时抢购”）吸引进去。“社区”里有海量和你一样的人，在展示我们的胖，展示我们的瘦，展示我们瘦、美、健康、成功、与众不同（网红）的欲望。你的减肥辛酸史无异于商城里密集排列并随算法精确滚动的商品。“KEEP将大数据及AI融入运动，运用AI算法及科学技术来提升用户运动体验和对运动需求的准确度。”

我们变成了什么也不懂什么也不会的人。我们已经不会自己运动，需要拆分的动作，需要运动指令；我们也不会休息，需要休息的指令；我们不会走路、不会迷路，需要定位和导航；不会做爱、不会和真人做爱，需要P站和更新的A片；也不会生活，需要随时百度“生活小妙招”。我们跟着各种up主、博主、Youtuber学习世界料理、阳台种菜，学习如何做个辣妈，学习如何穿搭成极简主义者，学习如何画出自然的双眼皮，学习不粘锅和铁锅的区别，学习婆媳相处、也学习马克思和邱阳创巴仁波切，学习中美贸易战、学习美国大选，学习如何为亚裔发声、如何与巴勒斯坦共声，学习怎样反对或支持新疆棉花、支持或反对H&M，学习冰川融化全球变暖，学习末日生存学习、人类永生的科技已近在眼前，学习新型冠状病毒，到底怎样搅乱了人类世界。有一天，正在学习种菜的她第一次不是通过谷歌图片、而在现实中偶然地看见了葱开出的花。她为此惊讶了一整天。葱不再作为调味料而只作为“葱” —— 一个主体被你看见：大葱的顶端冒出一颗大白花球，在它的旁边，细香葱正开出一片梦幻的粉紫。

KEEP记录显示，她最常做运动的时间是临近半夜，这时线上几乎没有同伴 —— 也许她还是喜欢孤独？也许只是患有重度拖延症。要在今天完成今天的任务，实在赶不及12点前打卡的时候，她发明了一个绝招——把手机从东京时间调回上海时间，也就是调慢一小时，她就能打上今天的卡，这也不能完全算作弊对不对，她就这样轻松地打败了时间 —— 是不是很科幻？（假如灰姑娘和谢德庆也能随意调快调慢时间的话……？）随着时间从23:01来到22:01，她快乐地点开KEEP，准备再度跟随它的指令……只要跟随指令（而无需跟随身体），只要follow，flow，随波、逐流，做完一个训练打上一个勾。打勾让她感到一点满足，但似乎和看YouTube、吃冰淇淋一样，她需要更多地不断地打勾来维持这点满足。但至少目前，巨大的失落还未袭来，它还对她有效。那就继续吧。

总有一天你会我会她会感到厌倦。也或者那一天已经不会，到来。

Like many others, since COVID-19, I haven’t been able to go anywhere. Indulged by the horizontal screen of a MacBook Pro and the vertical screen of an iPhone, she also ate 100g of ice cream every hour. It was either ice cream or chocolate, either chocolate or chocolate cookies. Once she even ate a whole packet of Chinese rock candy (pure sugar)—not all at once of course, but arguably it could be observed that it all disappeared at once. Before long, she put on 10kg. In fact, more than the sweets, she was addicted to staying at home, an immigrant otaku watching Youtube day and night. Although from time to time I would re-watch ‘a good film’ (sometimes a new one) to remind myself of what my own standards for ‘watching’ once were. But it has really been tossed out like used face masks. I’ve watched (consumed) so many little junk videos over the past year—many with the audio-visual habit of 1.75x speed, a psychological dependence on the progress bar, and a great tolerance for the constant pop-up ads – yes, even when watching Herzog’s “good film” – the porn ads that suddenly spring up on every corner of the screen.

But every day and every night she swore to lose weight, to be healthy, and to be motivated. And every day and every night you still fell into the comfort of junk videos and junk food. They don’t really comfort you, so you always need to consume more and more and more to help you escape from emotion and eczema, to escape from all kinds of discomfort and conflict that come with being stranded in a foreign country due to pandemic, division, and isolation.

One day, almost a year after she became a fat girl, she downloaded a Chinese mobile fitness app called KEEP. Clicking on the grey icon, a huge line popped up: SELF-DISCIPLINE GIVES ME FREEDOM. But before she could even process the implications of such a sentence it disappeared, replaced by an ad (which also disappeared quickly with a 5-4-3-2-1 before being replaced by another one). To urge herself on, she purchased a membership subscription of KEEP. On one side she kept criticising consumerism, but on the other, she just kept consuming (ah, so sorry…another egg on the face!). So that is how KEEP came into our lives. Gradually, I couldn’t live without it. Even during Zoom meetings, you’re secretly kept KEEPing. Isn’t this the era when multitasking and code-switching are fashionable?

KEEP recommended me a supposedly customised package called the 28-Day Crazy Fat-Blasting Plan. In addition to directed exercise routines, I had to report to KEEP what I ate everyday, and it would respond with feedback like, Bananas are full of vitamins and dietary fiber that your body needs. Great choice! Or, Ice cream is high in sugar and makes you fat! So you replace that harmful ice cream addiction immediately with a KEEP addiction, not so dissimilar from how you had replaced your former cigarette addiction with an ice cream addiction. Contemporary life is all about constant addictive dependencies, right? Cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, love, sex, porn sites, YouTube, social media, art, slime, internet shopping, fried chicken… Or, of course, jogging, firm abs, or in more specialty terminology—peach butts, swan necks, 90-degree shoulders, teenage girl backs, and Satomi Ishihara jawlines. These latter self-disciplining hobbies which may at first seem positive, healthy, and beautiful, are even more deadly addictions than the commonly known ones.

Launched in 2015, KEEP now has 300 million users, and more than 6 million people sweat with it every day, making it China’s largest sports social platform, covering fitness, running, cycling, dating and diet guidance, equipment purchase, live sports, and other functions. Usually, I wore my Airpods and followed KEEP while exercising in the living room so as not to disturb my Japanese husband. He sat across from me, sometimes beside me, wearing the same model of earbuds and immersed in his own version of the YouTube universe. Sometimes it seemed as if he was giving me a mysterious smile, but very quickly I realised those smiles were not for me. The epidemic in early 2020 led to mass self-isolation in homes and a spike in user activity on the sports social app, helping KEEP achieve a new records of data growth. KEEP is reportedly planning to list on the U.S. stock market this year and will be valued at more than $2 billion in Series F preferred stock. The founder and CEO is late millennial. She realised that she had reached the age of aunt, and her post-dinner exercise was exactly an aunty’s activity, even if it were just online. Compared to the public square dancing popular in China, this was actually a much larger scale, in tune with millions of people. So now, let’s follow the instructions to experience the popular Peach Booty Workout. The coach, a ponytailed D-cup girl on a yoga mat, says: Ready? Let’s get started! First exercise: Crunch. Set of 12 reps, 3-2-1, GO! With the background of this image removed, the pure white and flawless space becomes a white cube for contemporary art exhibitions as well. Concentrate! 5-6, exhale as you push, inhale as you restore, 8-9-10, feel the abdominal force, 11-12. Next exercise: Dead Bug. Set of 15 reps. 3, 2, 1, GO!

When the instructor says Take a break! we are given 10 or 20 seconds to rest, at which point motivational quotations pop up on the screen: O ever youthful, O ever weeping —Jack Kerouac. These quotes provide timely triggers for those of us struggling to burn fat. In addition to connecting with (Chinese) fat burners all over the world, we are accompanied by dead literary stars. The cue box at the bottom right corner of the screen flashes with the avatars of others who are also at the same moment sweating their way to a quick peach butt. She takes a look; there are 420 people practicing this workout with her now. A sea of people, instant identity-formation and community. You are no longer alone! Next, Sicilian Crunch. Set of 15 reps. 3, 2, 1, GO! 1-2, keep your waist on the floor the whole time, 3-4-5-6, abdominal power curl your body, 8-9, arms up! 10-11-12, great! That’s it, hold it! 14-15.

Next… Last one, perseverance is victory! Waist to the ground! Keep breathing evenly! Body in a straight line from head to toe! Your abdominals should be as hard as steel! Tighten your hips! Keep breathing deep! Keep your chest up! Feel the stretch in your abdominals! Very good! Hold on for 5 more seconds! 5-4-3-2-1! Congratulations! Finish this workout! Don’t forget to clock in with the KEEP community to get likes!

In the beginning, she was shocked by the avatars, half-naked bodies, and various fitness products that popped up, immediately closing the windows with disdain. But day by day she became unwittingly drawn in by the banners: 10KG LESS IN A MONTH, or Half Price Limited Offer, something like this. The ‘community’ is full of people just like you, showing off our desires to be thin, to be beautiful, healthy, successful and special, like internet celebrities. Your bitter weight loss history is no different from the merchandise arranged in the KEEP online mall, calibrated precisely with an algorithm. KEEP incorporates big data and AI into exercise, using algorithms and scientific techniques to enhance user experience and the accuracy of your exercise needs.

We have become people who don’t know anything and can’t do anything ourselves. We no longer know how to move our own bodies; we need to split movements into fragments and we need constant instruction. We use reminders to go to sleep—don’t even know how to rest. Always geo-located and reliant upon navigation apps, we don’t know how to walk, nor do we know how to get lost. We don’t know how to have sex, or at least we don’t know how to sex with a real person without Pornhub and updated porn videos. We depend upon ‘life tips’ from Baidu (the Chinese version of Google) at every moment because we don’t know how to live. We follow all sorts of Youtubers, vloggers, and uploaders to learn about world cuisine, about narrow balcony gardening, ‘how to be a hot mom’, and the ‘10 Best Minimalist Fashion Outfits’. To learn how to ‘naturally’ fake double eyelids, the difference between non-stick pans and iron skillets, about how others get along with their mothers-in-law, as well as about Marxism and Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. To learn about the US-China trade war, the US election, about how to speak out for Asians, how to support Palestinians, how to oppose or support Xinjiang cotton, how to support or oppose H&M, about melting glaciers and global warming, about how to survive doomsday, and about technology enabling human immortality. To learn about how the novel coronavirus has messed up the human world.

One day while learning to grow vegetables, she saw for the first time—not through Google images but by chance in reality—the flowers of a leek plant. She was amazed by this for an entire day. This was leek no longer as a seasoning but as a real leek before her very eyes, a large white flower bulb emerging from the top of leek and beside it a dreamy pink-purplish bloom from chives.

Her KEEP records show that the time she most often does exercise is towards midnight, when there are almost no companions online. Perhaps she still enjoys loneliness? Or maybe she’s just a heavy procrastinator. To complete each day’s task on time, she invented a great trick. By turning back the time on her iPhone by one hour, she was able to clock in for the day. How easily she could conquer the time! Isn’t that very science fiction and philosophical? What if Cinderella or Tehching Hsieh could also speed up or slow down time at will? As time goes from 23:01 to 22:00, she taps on KEEP happily again, ready to follow its instructions… Just follow the instructions (not your body), just follow, flow, go with the flow. After completing the training, she adds a tick to her task list. The act of adding checkmarks gives her a bit of satisfaction, but it seems that, like watching YouTube and eating ice cream, she needs more and more to maintain the same degree of satisfaction. For now, at least, the huge depression hasn’t hit yet, which means it must still be working for her. So go ahead.
And one day you, I, and she will get bored for sure. Or maybe, such a day will never come.

(English text was translated by lovely Naniko! Firstly Published on ETC., ETC., Catalogue No.005 Unintelligent Work, Köln, July 2021)

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