stupidly dozing off in the middle of an empty art gallery, stupidly musing in it, birch, belp, a half lacquered floor. yes and then getting up quickly to hide in the corner of the space where no one can see from outside, from outside it looks like an empty art gallery. better still. dozing off on half shiny, freshly shaven floor, feeling the curve of one’s own back against the hard flatness of floorboard, musing about the emptiness of it, wishing one were empty, as flat as the half shiny, freshly shaven floor. musing about another night, in half dark, ominous red lamp that always makes me think of amsterdam, when she said something about not knowing if it would be better to say or not say, what good could it do? yes, there is nothing to argue, what good could it do? we wish for honesty, feel the crap of nostalgia for when we used to be honest people, longing instead to sink into the flat emptiness of a half lacquered floor…she was surprised when i told her that i lied to people, couldn’t tell them how long i was staying [other sad conversation: “but you’re a nomad; that’s cool!], when knowing inside most certainly of leaving this place again. [sadness: “but surely you must be accustomed to american life…”] perhaps it’s the cut-off point that is painful, longing for some abstract thing that one is not sure even exists anymore. shame that everyone forgets about you, shame that you wanted everyone to remember you [sadness: “i love this place, these people, so i wouldn’t want you to come here because i know you would just take off after you found something better”] letting it be awkward and … because the suitcase is still there, because it feels bad, still roaming around in a subjective thought. afraid that you will always get tired, will always leave. it was not the intention! you wanted to love everyone and everything always! but it is just not possible! so, uncertain one on the other side, everyone and everything the day after your birthday party, we collect the leftover pieces of popcorn and wipe up the wine leaking from the bottom of soggy paper cup. i’ll be back soon!. .LESSON FROM MOTHER: 不可以depend on其他人。世界上就有自己。没那么容易。去外面就知道世界是这样。. .jan rothuizen draws and writes [by way of a and parallel to reena & medhavi, who miss india]: “i asked yang-jun if he is optimistic about the near future of china?optimistic? no, excited is a much better word to describe the present state of china.excitement involves optimism but it is also dizzines and infatuation; if you’re in love you don’t think too much about the future. yes, china is in love and that’s even better than optimism or excitement. so the question is will china still be in love in 2010?”belief systems. Settling down. Metabolism slowing down. Excitement as a form of caring. Quelling excitement as a longing for stability. A pet as a lesson in unconditional love.